Roliga historier

[rapala]

Little Johnny
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are
thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second
was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is
married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but
I like the way you are thinking."

[rapala]

Little Billy
These stories was contributed by Jonathan Hannay from UK.

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story ...
The following day, when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell
her or his story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm, and
every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to
sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the
eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the
moral of the story, and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one
basket"
Next is little Lucy: "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend
we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and
Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they've hatched"
Last is little Billy. "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. Before it crashed, he jumped out with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank
the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100
Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. "Yes, maam," Billy replies: "Don't mess with Uncle Ted
when he's been drinking!"

[rapala]

Elephant trunk
This guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection,
after weeks of frustration, finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor.
The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the
diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The
bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there
is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So
what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental
treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting
the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to
try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of
going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me.
What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his
girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While
sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets
progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking
relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and
grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his
stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I
can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

[rapala]

Addicted to Internet
You Know Your Addicted to the Internet When...


You refuse to go on a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

Your bookmark takes fifteen minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call
200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your phone bill comes to your door in a box.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

The last girl/guy you picked up was only a jpeg.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-)

Your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them.

You don't know the sex of your closest friends because they all have
neutral nicknames.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved.

You kiss your girlfriends home page instead of her.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html.

You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on
the way back to bed.

You check your e-mail. It says no new messages, so you check it again.

Your fantasy dreams at night are in HTML.

And the number 1 reason you know your addicted the Internet when...
You get a tatoo that says, "This body is best viewed with Netscape 1.1
or higher."

[rapala]

S.H.I.T.
FROM: ERICSSON TRAINING MANAGEMENT COMMITEE
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please
see your manager.
You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our
managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T
you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE
ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Because our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have
to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.


If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L
S.H.I.T).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P S.H.I.T).

Should you have further questions, feel free to direct them to
our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T S.H.I.T).


Thank You,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G S.H.I.T)

[rapala]

:D :D :D eller vad tycker ni andra?

[korten]

orkar inte läsa när de e på engelska.. måste anstränga mej:(

[Foppa]

HAHAHA, de var ju askul :D

[Felix]

Ett plan hade kraschat och alla överlevande hade simmat till en öde ö
- det
var ett gäng tyskar, några engelsmän och en japan..
Efter några dagar började tyskarna organisera upp arbetet på ön..
En av tyskarna sa: "I'm the minister of finance" och en
annan sa "I'm the
minister of defense" och efter ett tag hade alla personer fått
ministerposter utom japanen som verkade lite deppig. De andra märkte
det
och en kom på en idé: "You could be the minister of
supplies!"


Japanen blev kanonglad och sprang rätt in i skogen och försvann. Efter
några dagar blev de andra oroliga och bestämde sig för att gå in i
skogen
och leta efter honom. Allihopa gick in i den mörka skogen och helt
plötsligt hoppade japanen fram och skrek: "SUPPLIES!!!!"

[Lazinko]

Little Billy & Little Johnny var grymma :)

[andrease]

- Far! Kommer vi till himlen med benen först?

- Nä, de tror jag inte...Hurså?

- Jo, i går låg mor med benen rätt upp och skrek ”Gud! Nu kommer jag!!” - Tur att grannen låg ovanpå och höll fast henne. !

hittade den på en hemsida, vet ej om den e gammal men föt mig var den ny iafall

[Bille]

Vad gör tyskarna när dom sitter fast i en bilkö, jo en tredjedel av dom fantiserar om sex....

resten av dom fantiserar om att invadera Frankrike..

inte så kul kanske hörde den nyss på Jey Leno

[Bergatrollet]

Tror du har lite fel... De öppnar nog sin Weissbier och njuter en stund... ;) (Jag bor där nere, och de har skumma alkogränser i trafiken... 0,3-0,5 = hårda straff, prickar och införning i straffregister... 0,5-1,0 = lindrigare straff och ingen införning i straffregistret... 1,0-X = ungefär samma som 0,3-0,5... På min körskola sa läraren "Så, om ni vill dricka innan ni kör... SNÄLLA gör det måttligt" ;))

Ha det!

[Bille]

jo men tyskarna är ju ett skumt folk också :) asså var bor du då?

[Bergatrollet]

Tyskarna är ett skitskumt folk! :D (titta bara på mig... halvtysk...). Jag bor i München, eller lite söder om... Sedan två år drygt. Trivs dock bättre i Gbg... Med undantag för ölen som är både billig, laglig och godare här! ;)

[BeBest]

A Matter of Condition!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky it will be, for $20.00! But … only on one single condition!"

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said: "Clean … my … house!"

[Bille]

Mamma, mamma hur lång är Atlanten? Håll tyst unge och fortsätt simma

Mamma, Mamma får jag säja mus? NEJ Mamma, mamma det hänger en fladderfi..a i taket :D :D

[Rasmus]

-Mamma jag tycker inte om pappa
-Du kan väl åtminsånde äta upp potatisen

[Ralf]

- Mamma, mamma, varför springer pappa i zick-zack.
- Håll tyst unge och hjälp mig ladda om.




I still miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.